Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
