I just threw up on my dentist
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
operation have a gay friend backfired
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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