Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Houston, we have a squirter
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
