my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
where does the pee come out of this thing
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
