If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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