There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
