imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
