How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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