What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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