the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
