I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
