sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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