yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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