She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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