You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
