I just saw a hot homeless man
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
