You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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