Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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