his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
