honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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