So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
