I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
