I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize