you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wish there were birth control emojis
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
