mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
