i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
