Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
