im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
