dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
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if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
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Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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