yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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