your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
