I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
