i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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