I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
