Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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