Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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