woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
