Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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