Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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