She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
