i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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