ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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