I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dignity is for republicans.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
