apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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