For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
