I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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