I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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