walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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