We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
