bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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