textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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