69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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