My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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