He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
