I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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