Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
