Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
