If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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