y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
