uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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